Your Neuroverse

Today marks a week since I arrived in the village. Before coming here, I envisioned a few routines I thought I would adopt. However, knowing myself as well as I do, I tempered my expectations.

I imagined engaging consistently in morning facial ice baths, daily hikes, workouts, cooking, creating videos, taking photographs, writing, and maintaining a steady sleep schedule.

In reality, my days begin around 9:30 AM. I make coffee, start a fire, and then spend a few hours scrolling through TikTok—my daily dose of dopamine and validation, which I label as “research.” My feed primarily features content from neurodivergent individuals, a community that resonates deeply with me. Their shared experiences make me feel less alone.

No ice baths have materialized, though I have rubbed snow on my face a few times before bed. Cooking has also fallen by the wayside; my diet consists mainly of coffee, bread, sausage, cheese, eggs, and tuna. Hiking has been a nonstarter, and I actively push aside thoughts of working out, mainly due to guilt over the slow loss of progress I made in the gym over recent months.

On a brighter note, I recently took a few photos of your little cousin, which reminded me of my knack for photography. And today marks day six of writing 500+ words daily—a consistency I haven’t achieved in years. Writing used to be my lifeblood, something I did for no particular reason other than the stories flowing from my mind to the page. I’m not entirely sure when the inner critic gained so much power over me, deeming writing a futile pursuit and convincing me that I lacked talent or had nothing worthwhile to say.

Now, I’m learning to acknowledge that voice—not as an adversary, but as a guardian of sorts. It pushed me to explore other paths, only to circle back to the realization that writing is what I’ve needed all along. Whether the subject is trivial or profound, I am meant to articulate experiences through words.

Today, I also stumbled upon that playful Korean song from the second season of Squid Game—the “roundabout” song. On a whim, I decided to learn it. I used to memorize information effortlessly, but the weight of life over the past fifteen years has eroded my ability to retain details. What better way to exercise my memory than by learning a Korean song whose words I don’t understand?

It brought me back to evenings in our tiny city apartment. I would sit at the kitchen table with a cassette player, recording songs from the radio. It was the early 2000s when I first discovered Maroon 5. I would record every song of theirs I could find and spend hours rewinding and replaying, painstakingly transcribing lyrics so I could sing along. Back then, my English wasn’t as strong, and even now, when I sing along to She Will Be Loved, I laugh at my misheard and mistranscribed lyrics.

Those experiences, however, were invaluable for my brain—strengthening neural connections, fostering resilience, and sharpening my mind. I want to return to that kind of deliberate mental exercise. My brain still has much work ahead, and it deserves grace for all it has already accomplished.

So, I’m taking my time rebuilding habits. I imagine patting myself on the head, saying, “Good work! I’m proud of you. Keep going. Look at all you’ve achieved!” I feel it in my bones and throughout my nervous system—a mix of exhaustion and resilience.

I often think about you, my big girl, and how you can recite the entire two-and-a-half-hour Hamilton soundtrack on command. I’m endlessly impressed. I’d give anything to hear you sing those songs right now. I’d give anything to solve a math problem with you, my little one, or play cards, watch funny cat videos, wrestle, and laugh together. I’d happily make you a billion slices of toast and mash a trillion avocados just to sit near you while you play on your devices.

I am so proud of you both—for your quirks, unique behaviors, and everything that makes you who you are. I can only hope the world is kind to you, embracing your uniqueness rather than condemning it.

Always thinking of you,
With love,
XO Mom