Your Neuroverse

This morning began like most others: building a fire, making coffee, scrolling through TikTok, and playing a game on my phone. I keep hoping that, by some miracle, I’ll muster the will to go hiking today. At least it’s sunny—a small but significant boost to my mood.

Your Aunt Ira visited today. It was refreshing to talk to another living, breathing human being. We are, after all, social creatures. Lately, though—if I’m being honest, for quite some time—I’ve become far less social. I’ve distanced myself from several old friends and family members. Maintaining many of those relationships had become too emotionally taxing. It feels like I’m going through a social decluttering phase. Your dad believes cutting people off is toxic, but if that makes me toxic, maybe I’m doing everyone a favor by stepping away.

I read an article today about burnout, and it struck a nerve. Burnout, it explained, isn’t just about feeling tired. It’s an overwhelming sense of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress, often from work or personal challenges. It combines exhaustion, cynicism, and the belief that one is ineffective or stuck. That description resonates deeply with me. For years, I’ve struggled to understand why my health—mental, emotional, and physical—has deteriorated to the point where I barely recognize myself.

Back in the U.S., I constantly felt exhausted. The simplest tasks and responsibilities loomed large, piling up faster than I could manage. The relentless pressure of working, studying, parenting, and trying to fulfill roles as a partner, daughter, friend, and coworker was suffocating. It seemed like everyone around me handled life with ease, while I felt incompetent, lost, and trapped.

The article also highlighted how burnout isn’t solely mental—it affects the body as well. It’s linked to heart problems, hormonal imbalances, and issues with memory and focus.

I’m now almost certain I have ADHD and autism, which intensifies burnout even more. I asked ChatGPT about neurodivergent burnout, and its explanation resonated profoundly:

• Masking: The constant suppression of neurodivergent traits—like stimming, avoiding eye contact, or adopting “typical” behavior to meet societal norms—is deeply draining.
• Overstimulation: Sensory overload from noise, lights, crowds, or other environments can be overwhelming.
• Executive Dysfunction: Difficulty managing tasks, organizing, or regulating emotions becomes exhausting under high expectations.
• Unrealistic Demands: The pressure to “keep up” in neurotypical environments, such as workplaces, schools, or social settings, creates chronic stress.
• Lack of Support: Misunderstandings about neurodivergent needs or the absence of accommodations compound these challenges.

Looking back, so much of my life and relationships now make sense. The constant confusion about why things unfolded as they did. The frequent reprimands, the judgmental stares when I struggled to follow inexplicable rules, the need to wear a mask just to fit in—all of it led to crippling anxiety that eventually spiraled into depression. Years of living in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight have left my nervous system so battered that recovery often feels unattainable.

Moving back to Ukraine felt like saying goodbye to my former self. The person I am today is far from perfect, but the self-awareness, accountability, and incremental progress I’ve achieved over the past year remind me that transformation is possible.

Through it all, my loves, you remain my greatest motivation. My deepest desire is to become a better person and a better mother for you. I carry immense guilt for not being there for you during such pivotal moments in your lives. When your dad once said you didn’t really need me—from a philosophical perspective—it cut deeply. What hurt even more was that, in some ways, I agreed.

However, I’ve also come to realize that what you need most is love from people who are healthy, stable, and safe.

Every day, I strive to become one of those people—someone you can respect, depend on, and feel proud of.

With endless love,
XO, Mom